I am going to try to get through this post, but I know how incredibly hard to will be for me to write. Please excuse my errors as I will not be rereading.
This onesie and shoes belonged to our first child! As you all know Tyler and I suffered a miscarriage a year prior to conceiving Emma. It was the worst day of my life, my 24th birthday a day I was so excited to see my baby. Maybe find out if he or she was a girl or a boy, but the only thing we learned was that our little baby’s heart was not beating. Even though we never learned if our child was a boy or a girl I know it was a little boy, I can just feel it in my momma bones!
I am so lucky to have Emma here with us and I thank God every day when I wake up to her sweet smile! I wrote a post a few months back about this onesie and how I wasn’t sure if she would ever wear it! One part of me couldn’t bare to put it on her because of the memories it carries. But the other part knew this was one of the only things she would ever share with her older brother!
Well, I could never bring myself to put it on her. Every time I took it out of the drawer it brought a flooding of tears and emotions I couldn’t bear. Today I was cleaning out Emma’s 6-month clothes and came across the onesie again. It brought tears to my eyes again but this time it also brought regret! I wish she had worn this before it was too late. I wish I could tell her about her older brother watching over her and tell her they shared this. It may sound so stupid to everyone who hasn’t experienced this loss but to me, this onesie is not just a piece of cotton.
Today while bringing out Emma’s 9 and 12-month clothes in the back of my own closet I came across a pair of sneakers I bought for our baby boy. I completely forgot these little converse were back there. I felt like it was sent to us to help me heal in that moment. It gave me hope that she will share something with her brother.
They will not fit her for quite a while but when I put them on her for the first time I know her brother will be with us sending love to his little sister.
Love you all,
Michelle & Emma