This was a hard post for me to write please excuse any editing issues I just couldn’t go back to reread
Today I want to talk to you about something that’s been weighing on me lately. I talk a lot about the loss of Me and Tyler’s first child. And this time of year always brings back a flooding of emotions! Not only is it infant loss awareness month but it is also nearing the anniversary of our loss.
I found out I lost our child in my 24th birthday November 1st 2017. My birthday this year seems very complicated. It is my first birthday I will be celebrating with little Emma but it is the second anniversary of the loss of her sibling.
I remember my 24th birthday better then I remember most days in my life. I woke up excited because it was my birthday and because I was going to get to see my baby on the ultrasound. One day I will be strong enough to talk about all the details of this day but I am still not at that point yet.
I remember last years birthday, I went to work and got to celebrate with my friends and coworkers then my husband drove into the city to meet me for dinner and to see Hamilton, a play I had been waiting to see for years! The play was amazing but I remember crying through a lot of it because sitting in that dark theater my lost baby was all I could think about.
This year I am not sure what to expect. This year I know there will be joy because of Emma and Tyler and all the other people in my life I am so thankful to have. But there will be sadness as I reach the second anniversary of our loss.
I am not sure what to do on my birthday this year. I feel like I should celebrate the great things I’ve experienced this year, becoming a mom, meeting my beautiful baby, watching Tyler become a dad, seeing Emmas first smile,there is so much to celebrate! But I feel like that little baby I lost deserves a day of remembrance at the same time. I remember my baby everyday but this day just feels like that little baby deserves more.
I really don’t know how to end this it was just something I needed to talk about. If you are experiencing these things please don’t do it alone talk to someone!
Love you all,
Michelle & Emma
Holding my Rainbow Baby Under a Rainbow, I feel like both of my babies are in this photo with me