This post was very hard for me to write. I did not go back to proofread because it was too hard to read so please forgive any errors.
October is Infant Loss month, and I think it’s important to talk about why having a month dedicated to this is so important. This is a month to raise awareness for babies who we have lost and the moms and dads who are still suffering. I have talked about my loss a lot in hopes that others know they are not alone!
I have heard a lot about how statistics show 1 in 4 women will have pregnancy ending in the loss of their baby. True this statistic made me feel less alone when I was going through this but it also made me feel like I failed. Why couldn’t I have been one of the other three women? I was comparing myself to three other women who aren’t even real. I think we need to start referring to this situation differently. It is not the women’s fault that the pregnancy ended with a loss, It is just the sad reality. I think we need to start saying that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in loss and stop making the women feel like it is her fault.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of what the life of that child would be like. I think about how Emma would be with her sibling or how my life would be like raising an infant and a toddler now. The month of October is a little harder than others, every time I hear that October is Infant Loss month it brings a flooding of emotions that are sometimes hard to deal with.
I still have a few things I had bought for Tyler and I’s first baby. I have a onesie that says Let the Adventure Begin and one with grey mountains because Tyler and I went to college in the mountains. I bought these for the pregnancy announcement, at the time I didn’t know how that adventure was going to end or the way it was going to change my life. I have these onesies in Emma’s dresser but have never put it on her because of the memories it brings. Part of me never wants to put it on her because I feel like it is surrounded by negativity and sadness but the other part of me makes me thinks that this may be the only thing she gets from her old sibling and it would be nice for her to share something with her sibling.
My earlier pregnancy affected every decision I made when I was pregnant with Emma. I cut out everything I thought could be dangerous, even if the doctors thought it would be fine. I learned the gender of Emma as quickly as I could because I felt like knowing if my first baby was a girl or a boy may have given me a little more closure. I bought a fetal doppler so I could check that her heart was still beating when I would start getting an anxiety attack. I was constantly playing her music just so she would kick more and I knew she was okay. I went to the emergency labor and delivery unit multiple times just because I felt like something was wrong.
I thank God every single day for my beautiful baby girl. She has made everything I’ve gone through worth it because she is here with me , and I will always love her!
Sometimes after a loss, you feel guilty for being happy. I get this feeling multiple times a day. My loss has changed me forever, I will never be the same person I was before. But I’ve learned how to be happy and how to honor my first baby. I will always love this baby even though we never met, and one day I will hold you In Heaven my sweet baby.
So this October remember those who have lost the most precious part of their lives. Send love to them and remember just being a hand to hold means more to someone then you’ll ever know. They may never want to talk about it but they will never stop thinking about it.
Love you all,
Michelle & Emma